Closet Voyeur Extraordinaire
by Quack says the T-shape
Summary: After Sakura hears Sasuke and Naruto doing... stuff in a closet, it isn't long before all of Konoha hears about it... Crackscented chaos ensues. NaruSasu. Slash. Oneshot.


**Closet Voyeur Extraordinaire**

Sakura strolled down a hallway Konoha Academy, headed toward her former teacher's classroom. She had agreed to talk to the students about the responsibilities of being a shinobi, and so was just walking down the hall between the classes when she suddenly heard a muffled sound. Turning around, she noted the noise was coming from a storage cupboard, and her brow furrowed in confusion.

Enemies? In the training school? She hoped not. She didn't want any of the children to be hurt.

So, edging forward, she placed her ear on the door, and tried to hear what was happening behind it.

"Mmm… Naruto… a little to the left…"

Sakura's eyes grew wide. That sound… that voice… it was…

"Sasuke, it's just so tight..."

Sakura's jaw physically dropped, and remained like that for a good few moments. A few children walked past and gave her strange looks, before Ino entered the corridor.

"Hey, forehead-girl, what are you doing standin-"

"SSHHH!" Sakura silenced her, before gesturing for Ino to come over. The blonde shinobi had agreed to come in with Sakura, and help her talk to the students. But now it looked as if neither would show up to class.

"What is it?" Ino whispered in Sakura's ear.

"It's… Sasuke and Naruto are in there! Doing… stuff!"

Ino's own mouth opened, and she glanced involuntarily at the door. "You mean… _it_?"

Sakura nodded. "I think so. Just… listen for a moment."

Ino pressed her own ear on the door, and together the girls listened to the fondling from within.

"Dobe… when did you learn to do that…?"

"…Internet…"

"I thought you were technologically -moan- … challenged…"

"That's you…"

"… you can't use your mobile…"

"… fuck off, Sas-_uke_."

The two girls gasped. It was bad enough to think of the two boys being 'together' to them, but even harder to comprehend the idea of Sasuke taking second place in the relationship… unfathomable.

"Heh. You think?"

"I know."

The two girls gasped once more, and at the same time Kakashi came round the corner. (Convenient, eh?)

"What are you two up to?" he asked the two genins, before they pressed their fingers to their lips as to indicate he silence himself.

"What's happening?" Kakashi repeated, but this time his voice was in a hushed whisper.

"Sasuke and Naruto - they're… well…" Sakura trailed off.

"Doing the dirty in the cupboard?" the grey-haired jounin finished, causing both girls to gasp. Yet again. (And not the last time either…)

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura scolded.

"Oh come on? You didn't know? Them two are always finding cupboards to do things in," Kakashi explained. "I happen to know that Sasuke is a closet voyeur extraordinaire."

"WHAT?" Ino exploded, before Sakura gave her a questioning look.

"What does 'voyeur' mean?" Sakura asked.

The other two both looked at her.

"Well, Sakura, sometimes in a person's life -"

"Shut up!" Ino silenced the perverted teacher. "I do not want you spoiling Sakura's virginity!"

To this, Sakura physically blushed. "Ino-pig! How could you say such -"

"Oh we all know it's true," Ino replied, dismissively. "The point is what is behind this door! This could break millions of fan girl's hearts! It's incredible!"

"Incredible?" Sakura yelled. "Sasuke. Is. Mine."

"Apparently not…" Kakashi replied, nodding in the general direction of the closet door.

As this discussion continued, the three were interrupted by yet another Konoha ninja - this time being no other than Gai.

"Ah! Kakashi! There you are, my treacherous rival! I have come to offer you a challenge!" the green spandex-clad shinobi said, as he pounced over to the grey-haired jounin.

"Not now, Gai, Sakura's learning about the birds and the bees, or should I say - the birds and the boys," Kakashi answered, to which Sakura blushed. Again. Poor girl.

"Kakashi-sensei!" she snapped, folding her arms crossly at him.

"Now, now, Sakura, it's about time you learnt," Kakashi replied. "I think it's really a good job I spoke to them -" he nodded in the direction of the cupboard. "- But maybe I shouldn't have neglected to speak to you. Now, what the boys are doing is -"

"Kakashi-sensei! Too much information!" Ino shouted.

"Wait - so wait," Gai interrupted, holding up his hands to silence the other three ninjas. "What you're telling me, is that in that closet -" he gestured toward said infamous room "- Sasuke and Naruto - both male - are doing _it_?"

The three nodded.

"That's disgusting!" Gai suddenly exploding, his face contorting into an expression of revulsion. "Boys on boys! Ew! It's… it's… dirty boy sex! Forbidden dirty boy sex!"

"Where?" there came a yell of, and the group of four turned around to see Jiraiya, their favourite super-pervert, excitement fluttering around his eyes.

"Oh, Sasuke and Naruto are having sex in that closet," Ino explained.

"And Gai's being homophobic about it," Kakashi added, smirking at the thought. He'd always assumed Gai was gay, I mean come on - Gay Gai was a nickname waiting to happen, and his 'friendship' with Lee was extremely questionable. And then he wore spandex. Enough said.

"But, Jiraiya, I never assumed you liked the male-male action," Kakashi said to him.

"Oh yes, that's what my new book's about," the perverted novelist replied. "Forget Icha Icha Paradise - this one is called Icha Icha Men, or 'Make-out Men'. It's about a team of super heroes, there's five of them, who go around making out."

"It sounds brilliant!" Kakashi said, a bit too enthusiastically than Sakura or Ino would've liked (Gai didn't notice because he was running away in terror).

As Jiraiya continued to explain his newest book, and Kakashi drooled at the idea, another shinobi just happened to walk past, walking in an extremely slow and slouched position, another rather chubby ninja standing by his side.

"Shikamaru! Chouji!" Ino greeted them, waving for them to come over. The whole group seemed to have forgotten that they were meant to keep quiet so that Naruto and Sasuke didn't hear.

"What's up?" Shikamaru asked, as the two casually strolled over.

"Sasuke and Naruto are having sex in the closet!" Ino exclaimed, not being one to be able to contain much gossip.

"What?" Shikamaru replied, distrusting the blonde shinobi.

"Honest, just listen at the door."

The group - now made up of Sakura, Ino, Kakashi, Jiraiya, Chouji and Shikamaru - all positioned their ears on the door, to listen to what was currently happening.

"I just can't do it!" Naruto's voice yelled.

"You did it yesterday, dobe."

"But today's different!"

"Fine, fine. _I'll_ do it."

"-Moan- Sasuke, I like it when you do it."

"I told you I'm better than… -moan- … Sakura."

Another gasp came from out of the pink-haired girl's mouth, and she blushed again.

"My god, life sucks when you're straight," Shikamaru commented. The group all looked at him. "Well, I'm just saying what we're all thinking."

"Oh come on, I think we all know you're not straight," Kakashi said to him, earning a glare from Shikamaru and a blush from Chouji.

"But what really makes a gay boy?" Jiraiya asked, pulling out his notebook to jot down ideas.

"A gay boy…" Ino asked, trailing off as she thought. "Well, they're probably a bit experimental."

"Maybe they're just like girls," Sakura suggested. "So they like bunnies and rainbows and stuff."

"I don't like bunnies and rainbows and stuff," Chouji said, before he realised what that implicated, and so blushed profusely. But it was alright, Shikamaru would comfort him later.

Suddenly (yes, suddenly) the group was interrupted as Neji walked past.

"Why are all of your ears pressed against that door?" he enquired (because Neji doesn't ask or question, he _enquires_).

"Naruto and Sasuke are having sex," Jiraiya replied.

"Oh," Neji said, indifferently, before he strolled away again.

"Does he not care?" Sakura asked.

"Maybe fate told him about it…"

"Maybe he's used to it…"

"Is everyone in Konoha gay?" Sakura asked, and was quickly answered by another person who just happened to appear in the corridor (it's a very busy corridor).

"Of course they are, that's why it's so hard out here for a pimp," Itachi said, his voice low, monotonous, and extremely cool. Sakura nearly fainted. "Unless you're a gay pimp, of course. They get a fuck load of business."

"It's hard out here for a pimp?" Jiraiya questioned. This was new to him.

"Why the hell d'you think I left?" was the reply.

"What are you doing here?" Kakashi asked.

"I heard that my brother is fucking the demon boy," Itachi answered, ignoring the comment of 'I think it's the other way round…' that followed this. "I have come to punish him."

Without another word, Itachi pushed to the front of the queue, swung open the closet door, and there was quick yell of "what the hell…?" before the closet was swung closed again. The group resumed pressing their ears against the door.

"Aniki!"

"Foolish little brother! Sharingan!"

"AH!" -thud-

"SASUKE!"

"You too! Sharingan!"

"Gah!" -thud-

"Hahahahahaha!"

Precisely 42 seconds later, the door was re-opened, and Itachi exited.

"They'll wake up shortly," was all he said, before a puff of smoke and the Uchiha was gone.

Kakashi pressed his ear against the door, but he couldn't hear any noise on the other side. The grey-haired jounin tried to open the door, but it'd been locked.

"Damn," he said. "This is worse than the time Itachi caught them skinny-dipping and so attacked them with badges of infinite destruction."

There was a moment of silence. "WHAT?"

"I know," Kakashi replied. "It's a good thing that Pukkan and the other dogs had been watching the boys. Those horny dogs…"

The rest of the group decided not to say anything (sometimes it's easier that way), and just reverted their attention back to the closet, from which they could hear more noises.

"Uh… where am I…? Omigod! Sasuke! Are you dead?"

"No… you stupid idiot…"

"Ah! Sasuke! You're bleeding!"

"So are you."

"AH! Sasuke! I'm bleeding!"

"Here, let me-" Naruto coughed so a certain word was disguised. "-it better."

Everyone outside's jaws dropped, and their eyes widened in shock. The word mysteriously disguised sounded suspiciously like 'lick'! When had Sasuke become so… forward? Maybe it was true. Maybe he was a closet voyeur extraordinaire.

"My feet hurt from my new shoes too," Naruto added.

"What? Your army-style ones?"

"Yeah… you could help them two?"

"Love to."

"Omigod!" Sakura, from outside the closet, burst. "He didn't even sound sarcastic! He wants to lick Naruto's toes! With love and passion! Love and passion!"

Ino smacked her round the head. "Shut up, forehead girl. We want to listen."

At this point, Gaara (yes, Gaara. And no, there isn't a reason) walked into the corridor, noting the amount of people gathered around the closet door.

"What is this commotion in the schooling halls?" he announced, waving his hand dramatically in the air for effect.

"Sasuke and Naruto. Closet. Sex," Kakashi briefed for him.

"That is preposterous!" Gaara busted. "Why would such an angel as Naruto dare be near the devil of the Uchiha?"

"Erm… because they love each other…?" Sakura suggested.

"Quiet, insolent fool!" Gaara demanded her.

"But-"

"Sand!"

Sakura fell to the floor twitching. Sand was a powerful weapon.

"Lord Gaara," Gaara's bitch (yeah he has a bitch) said. "Please, your counsellor begs you stick to your schedule! We need to keep moving!"

"Hm. Understood," Gaara replied. "I'm afraid I must leave you. But be warned. The kitsune belongs to me."

And then in a wave of sand he was gone.

Sakura was still twitching.

"Now! Back to the doors of life!"

The group of random ninjas leant against the door to listen for a bit longer, when inside, they heard Naruto say, "Hey, Sasuke, can you hear people outside?"

"What?" Sasuke began sensing the surroundings (because he can). Standing up, he threw open the door, and saw the gathering standing there. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I think the real question is what are you and Naruto doing in there?"

Sasuke's brow furrowed. "Fixing Naruto's toaster."

"Aha - likely story!" Jiraiya yelled accusingly.

"No, seriously," Naruto added, holding up his toaster. "I'm not that good at this stuff, so Sasuke was helping me."

"But wait," Ino said, still not understanding it all. "Naruto, you called Sasuke Sas-_uke_."

"No I didn't, you just must've not heard me properly," Naruto answered.

"You were moaning!" Ino yelled, grabbing onto any cling of hope.

"Fixing a toaster is hard work," Sasuke said, and Shikamaru nodded in agreement, adding, "I've gotta agree with that."

Suddenly disheartened, the group slouched and began to move away. Ino (carrying Sakura) going to the class she was meant to be talking in, Kakashi to Iruka (who'd been waiting…), Jiraiya to get started on his book, and Shikamaru and Chouji to, well, I think we all know what they were going to do.

Once everyone had left, Naruto sent out a sigh of relief. "That was close."

"I know," Sasuke agreed.

"It's a good thing I decided to bring this toaster along," Naruto said, holding up said appliance. "Otherwise they probably would've found out about, y'know, us."

"Yeah but, why exactly did you want to bring that along?"

Naruto smirked. "Sasuke, Sasuke, there's something I wanted to help you demonstrate with me today…"

"Oh god."

-------------------------------

I blame Siobhan for this. Well, we were meant to give each other 20 story ideas for one-shots that we'd do. And she meant for twenty separate one-shots, but I thought twenty things for one big one-shot, so I've put her twenty ideas into a giant one-shot of love and NaruSasu :P. Here were the twenty original ideas:

1. Angels and devils  
2. homophobic Gai  
3. Jiraiya's book  
4. Naruto's toaster  
5. Mobile phones  
6. Technologically challenged  
7. Stuck in a closet with Itachi (still has 2 be SasuNaruSasu… :D)  
8. Life sucks when you're straight  
9. Hard out here for a pimp  
10. Sakura's virginity  
11. Birds and the Bees  
12. Skinny-dipping  
13. Badges of infinite destruction  
14. My awesome new shoes (she got new army-style shoes which cause her pain)  
15. Rainbows and bunnies  
16. What makes a gay-boy?  
17. 42  
18. Sasuke- closet voyeur extraordinaire  
19. Horny Dogs  
20. Doors of life

Thus made my story. Right. Whatever. Thanks! Drop a review!


End file.
